I’m not good enough.
I’m not lovable.
I’m too different.
People I love don’t love me enough to stick around.
I’m a failure.
As a practicing psychologist, I hear frequent variations of these expressions. These are the lies we tell ourselves. Because of our experiences, this has become our truth. One or more of these things might have been spoken over us, implied or indicated by the way others have behaved towards us. But that doesn’t mean it’s the truth.
I personally wrestle with my own lie. It’s that people (particularly those I love or who I want to be loved by) don’t care much about me or my preferences. They don’t care enough to be interested or go out of their way to inquire after me. When I get caught up in this lie, I feel anxious, sad and deflated, and my zest for life leaves me.
Psychological research tells us that these types of lies (called “maladaptive” or “unhelpful” schemas) contribute to a whole gamut of mental health concerns.1
But why do we get caught up in these beliefs, particularly when their impact is so negative? Why do we find them so hard to let go, even after we become aware of them?
understanding schemas
The schema therapy (ST) model, an adaptation of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT),2 provides some good answers to these questions. ST was developed by American psychologist Jeff Young. Young developed his model suggesting there are 18 maladaptive schemas, or “enduring patterns of belief, behaviour and attached feelings, thoughts, memories and felt experiences”,3 that people with mental health challenges may have. He proposed that these schemas develop through experiences of unmet core emotional needs during formative years.
I personally wrestle with my own lie. It’s that people (particularly those I love or who I want to be loved by) don’t care much about me or my preferences.
Over the past 50 years, ST has gained a strong evidence base as a theory and treatment model to explain and treat a range of mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, personality disorders and trauma-based disorders, to name a few.4
The common thread among these mental health problems is that individuals are not, and were not, given the love, protection and care they needed to develop healthy and robust beliefs about themselves, others and the world. They were therefore prone to developing unhelpful schemas, some of which I mentioned earlier on.
you are a human
How is all this relevant to you, particularly if you do not struggle with mental health concerns? ST has developed into a model that provides insight for those with mental health problems, as well as a way to understand ourselves as humans. Even if you have robust mental health, it is likely you have struggled with some fears of rejection, failure or inadequacy.
I believe we are all on a spectrum of schemas. Some of us hold these unhelpful beliefs about ourselves very strongly and they cloud our life. For others, they are background noise, but they still have some level of negative impact.
My life is a testament to this. I grew up in a home where—despite my family’s best efforts and care—I subtly received the message that my needs were not important and therefore, I wasn’t important. The ongoing consequences of this over time have been to undervalue myself and allow others to undervalue me. For example, I stayed in an unsatisfying, low-paying job for a number of years. It took a lot of courage to leave and chart my course in a new workplace where I was remunerated more fairly and my job satisfaction was higher. Over time, I became aware of the theme of my lie: not important enough. With time I have been able to address that and start believing a different story—the antidote.
My antidote is this: I see you, I care for you, I will listen to you, you and your needs are important to me. What gives me a firm foundation for the antidote is my faith. As a Christian, I believe I am made in God’s image, and that He only makes good things; things of worth and value; things He values immensely. In the Bible, God says, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14), “I know the very number of hairs on your head” (Matthew 10:30) and “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). If the Creator of the universe says I am important, then I am.
Of course, this sounds like a nice, neat solution. It is not. This has been my journey over a number of years, to not only cognitively understand it but to experientially understand it and have a felt sense of my importance. The undoing of our life’s lie is not the work of a moment. It requires time. And for those whose lies are quite debilitating and interwoven with mental health or other significant challenges, it is likely you will need a professional to help you address your lie and find the antidote.
finding the antidote
Let me give you food for thought, should you wish to explore this more yourself.
First, identify your lie. The book Reinviting Your Life can help with this, as can any trained schema therapist.5
Once you have identified your lie, search for the antidote. From the perspective of someone with a Christian worldview, much of the underpinning of the antidotes is the belief that we are God’s handiwork, made in His image, for fulfilling and purposeful lives. Even if you don’t believe in God, these antidotes still resonate, still bring healing and are inherent in the schema therapy model, even though it is secular.
In the opening paragraph I listed some common lies. Here are the cruxes of the antidotes to these lies:
I’m not good enough: You are uniquely made. Of the billions of people on Earth, there is only one you. Yes, you are flawed—we all are—but you have so much to offer. There is no judgement here if you share your flaws with me—I too am flawed.
I’m not lovable: You are loved, seen and heard. You are important and are of inherent worth and value. I’ll be here for you because I care about you.
I’m too different: I welcome you in your uniqueness; please share who you are with me. I am interested. There is space for you here.
People I love don’t love me enough to stick around: I know some people haven’t been reliable and stayed for you. You are worth staying for. I will be here for you, and we will find others who are also willing to be here for you too.
I’m a failure: We all fall short at times. This is normal and is part of learning and living. I believe you can do what you set your mind to. Would you like to try again? I can help and cheer you on.
seeking out the kind and caring
These antidotes are based on the idea that we need access to, and immersion in, safe and secure relationships in which we can be seen, heard and cared for reliably.
Sometimes I have clients say to me, “These types of people don’t exist in this world.” This is a valid point. Trustworthy, kind, caring and compassionate people can be hard to find . . . but they do exist.
I encourage you to begin purposefully seeking out people who are kind and caring. Even if we haven’t been exposed to many of these kinds of people, we can usually think of a few—whether it be the neighbour down the road, your auntie Mabel or a friend from school. If you are a praying person, pray that God leads you to the right people. If you believe in God or are open to the idea of a higher power, lean into Him. He absolutely epitomises all the characteristics I’ve mentioned above. He is reliable, caring and compassionate. He has time and space for you. He thinks you are great in your uniqueness. Your flaws don’t bother Him at all.
Here’s to you, your journey towards uncovering your “lie’” and to finding the antidote to better your life.
- JC Thimm & M Chang, “Early Maladaptive Schemas and Mental Disorders in Adulthood: a Systematic Review and Meta-analysis”. J Cogn Ther 15, 2022. ↩︎
- CBT uses a mix of cognitive (thinking) and behavioural strategies to help challenge, shift and adjust one’s thoughts and behaviour to be more helpful and adaptive for their lives. It is usually offered by a trained psychologist or other health professionals. ↩︎
- JE Young, JS Klosko & ME Weishaar, Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Publications, 2003. ↩︎
- Ibid, JC Thimm & M Chang. ↩︎
- Janet Klosko & Jeffrey Young, Reinventing Your Life: How to Break Free from Negative Life Patterns and Feel Good. Penguin Putnam Inc, 1994. ↩︎
