As our kids grow older and their social circle expands, it’s inevitable they’ll start going to parties or having sleepovers—without you in tow.
While it’s important to grant our kids their independence, would they know what to do if they ever found themselves in an uncomfortable, tricky or potentially dangerous situation?
“Often, in the heat of the moment, it’s very difficult to think of an intelligent way out and you become paralysed,” psychologist Collett Smart warns. It’s even worse for young people because, “They don’t have the life experience and just aren’t mature enough”. Peer pressure can be incredibly intimidating. While you may be confident your child knows right from wrong, they may not be able to extract themselves from a harmful situation simply because it can be too difficult to do so without committing social suicide.
As parents, our job is to talk about the potential scenarios and provide our young people with the tools before they even think about heading out the door without us.
Often, the easiest way for a young person to leave a social situation is to blame their parents.
“My mother is so lame. She says she’s coming to pick me up and I don’t know why.”
“My dad says there’s an emergency at home and I have to go home.”
But they need to be able to use that excuse convincingly.
sending a specific emoji
Agree with your child beforehand on a sentence they can say when on the phone to you, or something they can text you, that means “come get me now” without it being obvious to anybody else.
A few years ago, author Bert Fulks’ “X-plan”—texting the letter X—went viral. He details how if his child ever gets uncomfortable at a party or any other situation, all they have to do is text the letter “X” to their parent.
The one who receives the text will call the child’s phone, telling them, “Something’s come up and I have to come get you right now.”
To lend credibility to the scenario, the child is encouraged to ask, “What happened?” to which the response is, “I’ll tell you when I get there. Be ready to leave in five minutes. I’m on my way.”
This way, the child can tell their friends that something’s happened at home but they don’t know what specifically—someone is coming to get them and they have to leave.
In short, the child knows they have a way out but at the same time, there’s no pressure on them to open themselves to any social ridicule.
If texting the letter X doesn’t work in your household, here are a few other ideas that your kids could use (either while talking to you on the phone or via text):
“Is grandpa okay?”
“Did you feed the fish?”
“I’m feeling unwell.”
on being a safe presence
One of the ways to build this trust is to assure our kids that we will be there to bail them out of any situation—even the ones they’re not meant to be at.
As Fulks recalls from his teenage years: “I certainly couldn’t call my parents and ask them to rescue me. I wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. As a teen, forcing down alcohol seemed a whole lot easier than offering myself up for punishment, endless nagging and interrogation, and the potential end of freedom as I knew it.”
So let them know when they send the code, you’ll be there to rescue them, no questions asked.
