Have you ever been in a moment where your body couldn’t decide whether to fight back or bolt in the opposite direction—that strange freeze feeling between fight or flight? When it detects a threat and has to decide what to do to survive?
For much of my life, my body lived in this mode. I experienced some tough times growing up and, as a result, my body never learned how to regulate itself properly. Growing up with trauma can rewire your nervous system. Your brain’s alarm system becomes stuck in a chronic state of survival mode. Even harmless moments—like my friends jokingly yelling at each other or people screaming with excitement at a birthday party—would send my body into panic mode, leaving me ready to fight a threat that didn’t even exist. Our body’s stress response is designed for short-term moments to help us survive. But when it stays switched on, it begins to wear down almost every major system in the body.
When I was 18, I realised that after years of telling myself I was okay, I wasn’t. The trauma I’d experienced had caught up with me. I didn’t know how to cope and found myself stressing deeply about things that often didn’t warrant it. I asked my mum for help and she connected me with a psychologist who helped me understand why my body was reacting the way it was.
For years, from childhood into adulthood, I lived in a constant state of stress. When life became overwhelming, I didn’t know how to cope. I bottled up my emotions until they spilled over into panic attacks. I’d struggle to catch my breath and the feeling of not being able to breathe properly is something that always terrified me. My mind would spiral over the smallest things, often worrying about problems that didn’t even exist. Yet when I looked around at my friends, it didn’t seem like this was how everyone else was living. And I knew this was not the way to live the rest of my life. Thankfully, I had an amazing mum and older brother who would calm me down and comfort me during those moments. But I also knew I needed help to break this cycle.
the God I was afraid of
I grew up in a Christian family and knew who God was, but I never had a relationship with Him. To me, He was a big, scary man sitting in the sky, waiting for me to mess up. I believed that one wrong move could shut me out of heaven. I’d somehow misunderstood God to such a large degree that I was terrified of Him rather than wanting to know Him. That only added to my anxiety. I was so scared that Jesus would come back before I was ready or that I’d gone too far to be saved. So I ignored God and pretended He didn’t exist. I’d go to church, but my mind was always somewhere else and during the week, it was like He didn’t even exist.
When I was 20, I found myself at a very low point. I felt lost and didn’t know who I was. I was studying a degree I didn’t enjoy, working a job I didn’t like and had just been through my first heartbreak. One day, with nowhere else to turn, I found myself at the beach praying to God. I pleaded with Him to help me bring something good out of everything I was going through. Around that same time, people began helping me see God differently—not as Someone waiting for me to fail, but as Someone who loved me and wanted a relationship with me.
Looking back, I believe God heard my prayers that day on the beach. From the moment I left, something had changed. I never understood when people talked about their lives being transformed, but that’s the only way I can describe what happened to me. Instead of simply surviving, my life began to change in ways I couldn’t explain.
a different way of living
I became more loving and kind and found myself seeking genuine friendships. I grew closer to my family and people even told me I’d become more affectionate—a huge change from the guarded and fearful person I’d been before. I wanted to share what God had done in my life because the transformation I’d experienced felt undeniable. The closer I grew to God, the more I could see His character shaping the person I was becoming.
My faith became central to my life. I was baptised, completed a discipleship training program called ARISE and eventually returned to my local church to serve as a youth pastoral worker because I wanted others to experience the hope I’d found.
I now believe God loves me and wants nothing more than a relationship with me—not because I’ve earned it, but because that’s who He is. That understanding changed the way I saw both God and myself.
I’ve learned to be grateful for the small moments in life and the people God has placed around me. He’s taught me to speak up when I feel overwhelmed rather than carry everything on my own. I’m thankful that I now have a husband who builds me up and encourages me to trust God, and for the family and friends who never gave up on me but showed me God’s love through their actions. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. My life is proof that unconditional love can help lead someone home.
finding peace in the chaos
There are still times when my survival mode kicks in, even when it doesn’t need to. I definitely don’t live a perfect life, but since getting to know God, He’s become my refuge and my calm in the chaos. When I feel overwhelmed, I try to bring those worries to God in prayer and trust Him with the things I can’t control. Doing that brings me a peace I can’t fully explain.
My body may choose survival, but God keeps choosing me—and because of that, I know I’m never facing the battle alone.
We can take comfort in God’s promise that, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, perhaps consider turning to God with whatever you’re carrying. You may find, as I did, that He becomes a place of refuge in both the big moments and the ordinary ones.
