How often do you see someone and say, “Hey, how are you?” Or, for that matter, how often does someone say it to you? Probably pretty frequently. But is it asked with a genuine desire to hear the answer—and to stay long enough to receive it? Or is it used more as a kind of “social lubrication”? Does it simply ease you into the rest of the conversation so you don’t have to jump straight to the question you really want to ask: “Can I borrow your lawnmower?”, “Do you have that book I lent you last month?” or “Could you do me a favour?” More often than not, the words float straight past us and we answer without thinking, “Yeah, good thanks.”
But how often do you get asked, “How are you?” in a way where the words are slowed down, where the person looks at you and is happy to wait for the response?
If you can remember a moment like that, you probably remember how nice it felt. You might have surprised yourself by saying more than you planned to. That’s what happens when one human being offers another the most powerful gift we can give: presence. And it turns out, science has something to say about why it matters so much.
the question behind the question
R U OK? Day, which is observed every September in Australia, was born out of the tragedy of a beloved father taking his own life. Its premise is simple: a conversation could change, or even save, a life. Since its inception in 2009, it has grown into something bigger and broader than just a mental health awareness campaign. It has become a regular reminder of the importance of being present to the people in your life.
As a society, we’re becoming lonelier. Research from around the world consistently shows that rates of loneliness have been climbing for decades, with a particularly sharp rise during the pandemic years. In Australia, surveys suggest that roughly one in four adults regularly feels lonely.1 And loneliness isn’t just unpleasant—it’s a health risk. A growing body of evidence now places chronic loneliness alongside smoking and obesity as a risk factor for premature death.2 It weakens immune function, disrupts sleep, raises stress hormones and increases the risk of depression and suicidal thinking.
Yet authentic connection changes what’s happening inside us. Our nervous system settles into what’s often called “rest and digest”—the opposite of “fight or flight”. Oxytocin, sometimes called the “cuddle hormone”, is released, we feel safer, we think more clearly and we experience a stronger sense of belonging.
So R U OK? Day is not just a mental health initiative. It’s a prompt to meet one of our most fundamental human needs, one that can be easily neglected in modern life.
an awkward truth
Here’s something many of us worry about when we pause to really ask, “R U OK?” or “How are you?” We’re not sure what to do if the answer is actually, “No, I’m not.”
We ask, “Are you OK?” hoping, on some level the person will say, “Yeah, all good”, because we know how to handle that. What we’re less sure about is what to do when someone’s voice catches, when they look away or when they say something unexpected or deeply personal.
This is not a character flaw. It’s a skills gap. It’s worth acknowledging because if we’re afraid of what might happen when we ask, we’re less likely to ask in the first place.
The problem also isn’t a lack of empathy or concern. Most of us simply haven’t learned how to respond when someone answers honestly. Connection is a two-way process that involves two skills: asking the question and listening to the answer. Both take practise, and both can be learnt.
Good asking starts with genuine curiosity rather than obligation. It helps to find a moment that isn’t rushed, such as during a walk, over lunch or on a drive. Sometimes it means not settling for the first answer. “How are you going?” then after a pause, “No really—how are you?” It means being prepared to sit with whatever comes next, without rushing to fix it or fill the silence with reassurance.
Being honest when someone asks also has its own challenges. Many of us have learned, through long practise, to give the socially acceptable answer rather than the true one. We often do this because we don’t want to be a burden, seem weak or invite well-meaning but unasked-for advice. We’re not sure the other person really wants to know the answer. But when we deflect, we rob the other person of the chance to show up for us and we rob ourselves of the connection we need.
connection is medicine
Sociologist John Cacioppo, who spent decades studying loneliness, described it as a signal, much like hunger or thirst, that tells us an important need is unmet.3 When we’re hungry, we eat. When we’re thirsty, we drink. When we’re lonely, the healthy response is to connect. The problem is that chronic loneliness can make connection feel threatening and even more difficult. We start to expect rejection, so we end up pulling away rather than leaning in.
This is one of the reasons R U OK? Day matters. It gives us collective permission to reach across that gap and it normalises the question. It reminds us that checking in on someone is not intrusive or awkward, rather it’s what we’re supposed to do for each other.
But one day a year will never be enough. The research on social connection is clear that what protects us isn’t occasional deep contact, but regular, meaningful interaction. It might mean reaching out to someone from a school or church who you
haven’t seen for a few weeks, texting an old friend whose name has popped into your head for no particular reason or lingering at the end of a conversation rather than rushing off to the next thing.
a challenge
We put a lot of effort into our physical health. We think about what we eat, whether we’re moving enough and how well we’re sleeping. Social connection deserves the same attention because it influences every one of those things—and much more.
So this R U OK? Day, by all means, ask the question. But also pause and consider the question it sits inside: am I building the kinds of relationships where that question can be asked and answered honestly?
The goal isn’t to have one meaningful conversation a year. It’s to build relationships where those conversations become normal, often enough that no-one around you has to wait for a particular day to feel seen.
That’s connection. And it might be the most important health habit and skill you ever develop.
- Lim M Smith et al. State of the nation report: Social connection in Australia 2023. 2023. ↩︎
- Smith RW, Holt-Lunstad J and Kawachi I. “Benchmarking social isolation, loneliness, and smoking: challenges and opportunities for public health.” American journal of epidemiology (2023). ↩︎
- Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S and Boomsma DI. “Evolutionary mechanisms for loneliness.” Cognition & Emotion (2014). ↩︎
