Growing up, I had a friend who lived 10 minutes down the road. One of us would call from the house phone and we’d agree on a time and place to meet. When we decided to meet at hers or somewhere in-between, I’d set off bare-handed, sometimes picking up a stick to shoo off the birds that tried to swoop me along the way. I’d glance up at the gumtrees, talk to myself on the walk or study the houses between mine and hers. I could still tell you of them, of the colour of their letterboxes and the ones that had dogs.
When I got to her house, she’d sometimes be waiting at the door. Other times I was met by her family or would have to go looking for her. Once we found each other, as we almost always did, we’d get lost in talking, creating, playing—only thinking about the time when the air cooled enough that one of us needed a jumper, or the sky started telling us it was time to head home.
Interactions with our loved ones look very different today. We plan meetups via text, navigate to places we’ve been a hundred times, send “nearly there” and “running late” updates along the way and scroll as we wait for them to arrive. Then we set our phones on the table between us or hold them close by—just in case.
Most of us think our phone etiquette is pretty good, so long as we’re not actively scrolling or texting while we’re with someone. But we’ve all felt it—a conversation that’s been interrupted by notification pings, or stalled from a phone call, or someone reaching to google something they needed the answer to.
In Reclaiming Conversation, Sherry Turkle cites a survey in which 89 per cent of Americans reported taking out their phone during their last social interaction and 82 per cent said it made the conversation worse. Studies confirm that just having a device visible is enough to subtly undermine the quality of our time together. Here’s why:
- We stay shallow. When a phone is present, people unconsciously steer away from anything too personal or vulnerable, gravitating instead towards topics where interruptions won’t matter.
- We feel less cared for. When a phone is nearby, attention feels split between the person in front of us and whatever might light up on their screen. Even if it isn’t used, we feel that we’re not quite the most important thing in the room. As a result, trust and closeness decline and less empathy is felt from one’s conversation partner.
The good news is that the fix is simple—it just requires intentionality. Next time you’re with someone you want to feel cared for, leave your phone behind. If that’s not possible, leave it out of sight.
go analogue
This month, arrange to meet a friend for lunch, an ice-cream, a walk, whatever suits. Agree on a time and place, then leave your phone at home.
Walking out the door without it might feel strange at first. You might worry, What if something happens? What if I get lost or held up and can’t reach them? Let me remind you that up until around 1995, this is how humans have always done it. Chances are, you’ll be fine. You might even find the walk or drive there surprisingly pleasant and the conversation more meaningful.
