I’ve put significant thought into how to approach the topic of sex with you. It’s likely that it will bring up a range of reactions—discomfort, confusion, fear, anxiety, overwhelm, curiosity or even shame. It’s a sensitive subject and although sensitive conversations are within my wheelhouse, I still feel some apprehension about broaching it—how ironic!
Conversations about “the birds and the bees” are important with regard to learning about science and procreation. However, they involve intimacy and some of us can be uncomfortable with this. I know not everyone has difficulty having these conversations but if you’re reading this, I assume you want some pointers—or are at least curious.
I want to preface that my considerations here come from my experience as a psychologist working with children and adolescents, and as a lecturer studying and teaching about their behaviour, wellbeing and how to communicate with them. I am not a parent. At this point, some of you may abandon this article, but I encourage you to see my input as a sort of translator. I will be honest with you: I didn’t understand adolescents even when I was one, so this area of work sneaked up on me, but I see my role as an advocate for young people as we navigate the language barrier that naturally seems to develop between them and adults. There is no “one size fits all” approach to sex so take my suggestions as broad considerations.
naming discomfort
When talking about sensitive topics, it is helpful to consider your own comfort level. If you feel uncomfortable, your child will likely pick up on that. Think about your experience of these conversations as a young person and this might tell you where your discomfort comes from. It could be valuable to name the discomfort—to acknowledge that while the topic may feel awkward, these are important conversations to have with the right people.
Silence, visible discomfort or dismissiveness when a child brings up a sensitive topic can unintentionally send the message that the subject is taboo. What we want to avoid is convey shame around natural curiosity or the desire to ask questions. This is going to be more common from children and if they learn from the outset that their parent is the best person to talk to about these things, they may be more likely to continue these conversations as an adolescent.
Young people are wired to be curious. Adolescents are actively constructing their understanding of themselves, others and the world. They will encounter—or seek out—information on sensitive topics. It’s crucial that they have safe, trusted adults they can turn to with their questions and reflections. Developmentally, adolescents are also beginning to expand their primary support network. They will naturally begin to rely on peers more for input and they may be more receptive to another adult on some things. Their friend’s parent might say the exact same thing as you, but it sounds different to your teen.
don’t be vague
Specificity is also important. While this is often the most uncomfortable part, vague language or metaphors can leave young people confused.
Historically, the Church has not always handled conversations about sex in the most helpful way. I recall a story that came up every year in the teen ministry I was part of: a girl gave a petal of her flower to every boy she had sex with and eventually was left with a flower she could not put back together. While it aimed to communicate the importance of boundaries around sexual intimacy, it mostly perpetuated shame. What constituted “giving away a petal” was unclear, but the underlying message was that the girl was irredeemable. These metaphors create shame around something that God designed for good in the right context. These illustrations also tended to focus more on girls rather than boys, which creates further imbalance.
give them dignity
When we want to promote abstinence, we can become afraid of saying too much—worried that it might “plants ideas” or undermine our message. But in truth, openness is the antidote to shame. Information empowers young people.
Whether we like it or not, young people will sometimes make choices we disagree with or won’t always follow the boundaries set for them. It’s essential that conversations around these topics cover all aspects, especially consent—a piece often missing from messages framed solely around “sex is for marriage”. Consent is important for several reasons:
- Some young people may choose to engage in sex outside of marriage anyway. The next best thing is that they do so safely.
- Consent is still deeply relevant within marriage.
- Consent also applies to any kind of contact—physical touch and even communication.
This has been an area of concern with young men. It is important that everyone understands how to express and understand consent. While there is a crisis in Australia of violence from men towards women, we must not convey to our young boys that they are the problem. They are the solution. Let’s ensure our young people are informed, can make healthy decisions and that we are alongside them to talk and support them no matter what. To get you started, here are some tips for having these difficult conversations with young people.
empathy
Ask about how your child is feeling. Showing empathy helps you connect with them and validates their experience. Even if they disagree with the boundary you are setting, empathy communicates that their voice matters.
humour
A balance of lightness and sincerity can make the conversation more approachable—but still highlight its importance. We don’t want to make light of the topics, just to communicate in a normal and relaxed way.
prepare
Think about how you want to phrase things and which topics make you feel uneasy. Practise with your partner or a friend. Use supporting materials such as books so your child can take in the information at their own pace. Then follow up to check in, ask what they think and answer any questions.
place and time
Consider who needs to be present. If you have children close in age, you may choose to talk to them together. Depending on their personalities, this may increase or decrease comfort. Ensure you are all in a good headspace and a private space. Some people find conversations easier during movement like walking and sometimes talking in the car creates ease being side-by-side. Choose your moment intentionally.
know your child
Tailor the information that needs to be shared to your child’s age, maturity level and context.
encourage questions
Some children need time to think before asking, while others may initiate conversations themselves. Invite questions after you’ve shared information. This helps you understand their knowledge level and what else they may have been exposed to through peers or media. If they ask something you don’t know how to answer, it’s perfectly fine to say, “That’s a great question—I’ll get back to you on that.”
connection and space
Make sure the conversation has an end point. Allow your child to move on to another activity or have some space. Take responsibility for following up later—check in about how they’re feeling and whether they have more questions or thoughts.
seek help
If you’re unsure, reach out to a professional for support. If the need for the conversation arises from a difficult, problematic or traumatic experience, it’s especially important to involve a counsellor or psychologist. This gives your child a safe, non-judgemental space to process and ask questions with someone trained in these conversations. It also lays the groundwork for a lifelong openness to seeking help—building a broader network of trusted adults.
Having these conversations may feel uncomfortable, but leaning in with honesty, empathy and openness lays the foundation for trust, safety and lifelong connection. See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? I think we’ve bonded now.
