The day my daughter died

My daughter Jemima passed away just 23 hours after she was born. It was, and still is, the most heartbreaking thing I have ever faced. As I waited in the hospital room for the autopsy to be completed, I flicked through a book the nurses had given me. It was a collection of stories from mothers who had lost their babies either through miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. The book was intended as an encouragement, I think, to reassure me that I wasn’t alone. But I was struck by the utter despair felt by these mothers with empty arms. For some of them, that despair had defined them for the rest of their lives. I saw then that I had a choice. I hadn’t been able to control what had happened to my daughter or to prevent her death, but I could choose how I responded to it. I could choose between despair or hope.

Despair had defined them for the rest of their lives

In the Bible, the apostle Paul, in his letter to the church in Thessalonica, writes, “Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

Though I did grieve the death of my daughter, the Bible gave me absolute confidence that I would see her again one day. During that time, I was inundated with kind words, encouragement and comfort from friends and family, as well as a wide range of conflicting ideas about death and the afterlife. Here are a few examples. 

life after death?

At our daughter’s funeral as the hearse drove away, two butterflies were fluttering amongst us all outside the church. A friend later said to me, “I think that was your Jemima saying hello.” Another friend, when our second daughter was born (healthy and thriving), noticed how similar she looked to Jemima and said she thought our second child might be Jemima reincarnated. By far though, the most common belief and attempt to give me comfort was the idea that Jemima was now in heaven.

Honestly, each of these ideas sounded lovely on some level—but they did not provide the kind of comfort I deeply needed. Yes, butterflies are beautiful and it was special to see them at such a sad moment, but to believe that my daughter is now an actual butterfly? It’s a lovely, but not particularly pleasant thought. 

Each of these ideas sounded lovely on some level—but they did not provide the kind of comfort I deeply needed

Reincarnation is a belief held by many religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism and Sikhism. The belief is that the soul, after death, begins a new life in a new body, be it human, animal or spiritual depending on how good or bad your life had been. When my second daughter was born healthy, I was so incredibly grateful to have a little baby girl to take home. Yes, all my babies had a similar look about them but to believe that she was Jemima reincarnated would be to deny each one their unique individual personhood. Reincarnation was not a comforting thought. 

The belief that our dead loved ones are now in heaven is surprisingly common among Christians. But particularly as a mother, I did not find comfort in the idea that my baby was in heaven without me. Or, as some people suggested, the notion that Jemima was growing up in heaven without me. The idea of being separated from my baby and missing all of those precious milestones was extremely distressing. Thankfully—despite its popularity amongst Christians—this is not what the Bible actually teaches about death.

straight to the source

Paul writes, “We do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death . . .”  (1 Thessalonians 4:13). What follows next is Paul’s explanation of what does happen when we die. He gives an explanation full of hope for those, who like me, have lost a loved one—and ultimately for us all as one day we eventually face death ourselves. In this passage, Paul refers to death as a sleep. This is a common term used for death in the Bible. Jesus described the condition of Jairus’s daughter, who was dead, as sleeping (Matthew 9:4). He referred to Lazarus’s death as a sleep as well (John 11:11–14). Sleep was used as a metaphor for death because Jesus’ understanding of death was that, “the dead know nothing” (Ecclesiastes 9:5,6). In both death and sleep, a person is unconscious.

The idea that the soul lives on after death originated with Satan’s first lie to Eve—“You will not surely die” (Genesis 3:4). Today throughout the world, religions of all sorts unwittingly repeat this lie of the immortality of the soul. It has led many to believe in the consciousness of the dead. The source of this belief is from pagan philosophy—particularly that of Plato who taught that the soul and body are separate entities. This idea was later incorporated into Christian belief during a time of great compromise in Church history. This belief became the prevailing view within Christianity and continues to be the dominant view to this day.

The source of this belief is from pagan philosophy—particularly that of Plato who taught that the soul and body are separate entities

But if the soul is immortal, and if the soul or a person goes directly to heaven when we die, why did Jesus, and His apostles make such a point of teaching about the resurrection? The apostles, Peter and John were arrested for teaching on this very topic (Acts 4:2). Why would Jesus return to resurrect the dead if they are already with Him in heaven?

Paul continues in 1 Thessalonians 4:14–17: “For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.”

hope for resurrection

It is at Jesus’ second coming that the “dead in Christ will rise” and receive immortality. God, through Jesus, will bring those who have “fallen asleep” back to life. Then we who are alive will be caught up together with them to join Jesus in His eternal kingdom. What I love so much about this picture is that we get to go to heaven—together! Those who are still living with those who are resurrected.

Paul finishes this description of the second coming resurrection of the dead by saying: “Therefore, comfort one another with these words” (1 Thessalonians 4:18, NASB). And it is these words of Paul regarding the second coming of Jesus, the resurrection of the dead and our ascension to heaven together that have comforted me the most. I know I will see my daughter again. I know that in death she is waiting, sleeping until we will all rise in the resurrection together. As the line from a grand hymn declares: “We have this hope that burns within our hearts—Hope in the coming of the Lord!” And it is this hope that has made all the difference.