There are two main reasons why we find it difficult to apologise, particularly to our kids.
1. it diminishes our authority
When we admit fault, we worry it will make our children realise we aren’t always in control and we’re not always right. We think it causes them to question everything else we do and every other decision we make.
Our children don’t need to see us as perfect, infallible human beings. It creates an impossible goal for both them and ourselves, causing stress as we try to be something we can never be. We all make mistakes—the key is to learn from them.
Our authority doesn’t come from never being wrong, it comes from respect. Children have a strong sense of justice. Apologising to them when we’ve made a mistake helps prevent resentment from simmering and stops feelings of unfairness from building.
2. it makes us vulnerable
Apologising can make us feel small, stupid or insignificant. Worst of all, when we say sorry to our children, we are asking them to forgive us, putting us in a vulnerable position where they can hold something against us.
Yet, apologising to our children can be one of the most powerful, healing gifts we can ever give to our children. It repairs a broken relationship. It heals a wound. And most of the time, our children don’t want to hold anything against us—they simply want to be with us.
Saying sorry to our kids when we are wrong, apologising and meaning it, can make them feel better without taking anything away from us.
how to really apologise
The key to apologising is in how our actions made them feel and taking responsibility for making them feel that way.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explain what caused you to act the way you did. In fact, it’s a very good idea to help them realise why a rupture or a breakdown happened, but never make it a blame game.
There are a few other key components to a real apology:
Talk about the next time. This provides the repair.
Promise you will try. Not that it will never happen again—because let’s face it, it probably will. Teach our kids life is about learning and trying to do better—and make sure you really do.
“I’m sorry I got angry, but you really should have XYZ,” is not an apology.
Try instead: “I’m sorry I yelled. I’m working on managing my emotions and next time, I’m going to try to stay calm even when I’m frustrated.”
Finally, give children the time to process and respond after you’ve said sorry. They may still need to work through their feelings so don’t expect them to forgive you immediately. However, it’s crucial to move on without rehashing everything—and once you’ve moved on, try not to revisit the issue again.
Saying sorry to our children is one of the most important things we can do to ensure our relationship with them stays strong. It builds trust, strengthens their emotional intelligence, and teaches them responsibility and empathy. After all, children are excellent copycats. Their ability to easily apologise is dependent on how readily they see us do it.
