Outward appearances can be deceiving. Even people who seem to have it all together—who seem steady in their faith—often have their own private struggles. From the outside, it probably looked as though I’d always had it together spiritually. I never left church and never stopped believing God existed. But beneath the surface, things weren’t as put together as they looked. My journey had a lot of ups and downs.
I grew up all the way across the world in Vermont, in the northeastern United States. My family lived on a dairy farm and my childhood was full of time outdoors and weekends at our local Seventh-day Adventist church. I always loved God, but my relationship with Him became more personal when I was 10 and I received a pink Bible with a flower clasp for Christmas. I thought it was pretty fancy. I immediately started reading it and by the time I was 12, I’d finished the whole book.
In my teenage years, I attended a boarding academy. It was a beautiful school, but had lots of rules and regulations, which weren’t necessarily bad but I got caught up in them. I started treating my faith like a checklist—making sure I listened to the right music, wore the right kinds of clothes and read my Bible every day.
Even people who seem to have it all together often have their own private struggles.
At school, there were many different beliefs about God, which I absorbed without question. Gradually, my picture of God changed. I started seeing Him as a God who judges rather than a God who loves. I once heard someone say you had to be perfect to go to heaven and it kicked my brain into overdrive. Every night before bed, I would replay my entire day, trying to recall everything I needed to confess. I prayed the same prayer over and over because I was worried I’d die in my sleep and miss out on heaven.
There were things I was doing at the time that I knew were wrong. I wanted and tried to stop, but whenever I slipped back into bad habits, I assumed God was angry with me because He knew that I knew better. What I didn’t understand yet was that I needed to rely on His perfection, not mine.
my breaking point
After a while, it all became too much. My overactive conscience made peace elusive. So, I just stopped everything. I stopped reading my Bible and stopped praying. I couldn’t listen to worship songs, sermons or certain conversations about God because I would start overthinking everything. At school, whenever we went to worship services and heard things that fed my distorted view of God, I felt so uncomfortable that I would put my hands under my hair and plug my ears.
Because my picture of God was so warped, I didn’t think I could go to Him until I got my act together. I thought I had nothing left to offer Him. But looking back, I realise that He didn’t want whatever I could give or do for Him—He just wanted me. He was always there holding me, protecting me and inviting me to bring my confusion, questions and pain to Him.
One night I was crying on my bed. Through tears I called out to Him, “God I know deep down that You are good. You have to be. My whole life is built on the fact that You are good. My family is built on You. My friendships are built on You. My school is built on You. If You aren’t good, then all of this is for nothing, and I have nothing. I am nothing. All I have is You when it comes down to it.”
It was then and there that I realised I didn’t even know God. I knew lots about Him—what my parents said, what my teachers said, what my classmates said—but I didn’t know Him, personally. So, I decided to go on a quest to get to know Him for myself.
getting honest with God
I went back to my old pink Bible and started again. Whenever I came across a verse describing who God is, I wrote it down in my journal. Some descriptions comforted me, some confused me. But this time, instead of burying my questions, I brought them to God. I was honest and raw, and wrestled with the seemingly harsh depictions of Him. You know what surprised me? When I came to Him honestly, He met me with answers, showed me truth and helped me understand. I learned I needed to not just know about God—but to truly know Him.
At first, I was afraid to be honest with Him, but that honesty became the turning point. In any relationship, if you’re harbouring resentment or being dishonest about your feelings, the relationship won’t flourish. Why would we think it’s any different with God?
As I got to know God for myself, everything began to shift. I realised that God is truly awesome. He didn’t respond like I’d expected with disappointment or pointed fingers. Instead, He held me when I was overwhelmed, whispered truth when I was quiet enough to listen and gently led me out of confusion into a joyful, abundant life.
God is there for you, too
There’s good news for you—if you’ve ever struggled with the same things I have, God can do the same for you! He wants your questions. He wants to walk with you through the rough patches. And He loves you so much that He even wants you at your worst. God wasn’t threatened by my questions, my anger or my messiness. He stayed by my side and waited for me to be still so I could finally meet the real Him.
Maybe you’ve heard a lot of things about God and aren’t sure what to believe. If so, Jesus promises, “Seek and you will find” (Matthew 7:7).
Go to God, just as you are. Invite Him into your mess. He’s not scared of it—or of you. He’s a master at cleaning up. Bring Him your questions, fears, doubts and struggles . . . He will meet you there.
