Unpacking Christmas

Every few years, our Christmas lasts for a week. My husband’s family rents a large house and four generations gather from England, Germany, Denmark, Poland, Netherlands, Chile and Argentina. This year there will be more than 30 of us—including two new babies.

Bringing us all together is a challenge, but we’ve slowly learned how to manage it. We each pick a name and buy a small gift for one person. We bring board games and tell stories. Every evening, one family group creates a special meal from their culture. The Danes make their traditional meal for Christmas Eve. The dessert is always risalamande, a chilled rice pudding mixed with vanilla, whipped cream and slivered almonds, served with a swirl of cherry sauce. We eat the risalamande slowly. A whole blanched almond is hiding in one of the dishes. If you find it you mustn’t bite it, and you must keep it in your mouth and not let anyone know it’s there. When everyone has finished, we guess who’s hiding the almond in their mouth. The winner gets a box of chocolates. It adds a little suspense to the end of the meal, as well as time for people to slow down and relax.

managing differences 

We’ve learned to make allowances for everyone’s differences and needs. We live far apart, so these Christmas gatherings are the only time we see each other. A few of us are introverts, and living with 30 people for a week can be overwhelming! It’s okay to disappear into your room, read a novel or walk in the woods to clear your head. Everybody understands and we choose to believe the best about each other.

sharing the load

After a couple of decades of different routines and honest conversations, we’ve found a good formula for minimising frustration and stress. Every day we rotate household responsibilities. Dishwashers need stacking and emptying. Family teams prepare dinners together. Evenings are slow and sociable as it takes a long time to feed so many people. Our son has created a mathematical formula for sharing the food bill fairly. Somehow it all works. 

mixed emotions

While we celebrate, there is also sadness. We remember those we have lost, like great-grandfather Alec who started the tradition, and aunty Alison, who recently died of cancer. A divorce has split one of our families. Occasionally I feel sad, because my family never had a celebration like this. Christmas with my family is one day with simple food in a cramped house. We’ll never have a week together with rough and tumble joy, and a magnificent feast every evening. 

your Christmas

What is your experience of Christmas? Is it filled with joy? Or, perhaps sadness? Or, like me, maybe it’s a mixture of both. Reflect on your Christmas with these questions.

Christmas past

• What does Christmas mean to you? 
• What’s the best Christmas you’ve had in the past five years? What made it so good? 
• What does your family do well? How could you do more of those things this year?
• What are the “must haves” and where are you flexible? How could you make a few adjustments to create some extra peace and good will? 

Christmas present

• What do you enjoy? Raspberry pavlova, barbecues on the beach, being together, choosing presents for everyone?
• What can you live without? Too many new socks, flashing lights on the tree, complicated menus?
• What would you like to change? The traditional menu, always having Christmas at the same house, the expense and stress of buying lots of presents?
• What are your family’s stress points and conflicts at Christmas? 
• Make an action plan to anticipate and defuse these moments with gentle surprises, moments of wonder and talking about hopes. Or involve people in noncompetitive activities, such as walking the dog or doing a jigsaw. 
• If you live alone and visiting family is impractical or emotionally complicated, what can you do instead of the traditional Christmas?

Christmas future

• What new ideas would you like to try in the future? 
• Think about ready-made food, going to a restaurant or making reusable fabric gift bags to save paper. 
• What about inviting a couple of lonely people to join you each year or spending the day helping a local charity? 

increasing peace and joy

• List everything that makes Christmas happen in your home. 
• Who does each task? 
• How long does it take? Is it enjoyable or stressful? What can others do to share the load? 
• Think about writing Christmas letters and cards; choosing, buying, wrapping and posting presents; decorating the home; planning the menus, sourcing the food and preparing the meals, etc. 
• Where can your routines and traditions be simplified? 
• Is it okay to have dinner delivered, send email greetings or buy gift cards instead of shopping for hours? 
• Try at least one new idea for simplifying the most stressful tasks.

Christmas on your own

Maybe you’re a long way from home or you can’t face your family this year—or you just want to try something different. Plan a fun day with others who are on their own and share the responsibilities. Volunteer for a charity that hosts Christmas day for homeless people or migrant families. Travel to a dream destination. Take a long walk in a beautiful place. Choose something that brings you joy and creates amazing memories, because you have been kind, generous, filled with wonder or laughed with your friends.

last minute tips!

• Remember that no family or family gathering is every truly perfect—so, lower your expectations . . . no, even lower than that . . . just a bit more . . . that’s right! Blessed are those who don’t expect too much, for they will not be disappointed!
• Choose three simple goals you want to achieve at your Christmas celebration and try to make them happen. Plan three kind things to do during the day. Ask Aunty Annabel about her azaleas; buy a great game to play with the kids; help in the kitchen; the list goes on.
• Anticipate stress points and make a survival plan. Go for a walk. Turn the conversation towards gratitude or your favourite memories. Tell stories of kindness or moments of wonder. If the conversation is sliding downhill say, “Oh, I almost forgot! I brought this for us!” Pull out a box of chocolates and offer them around as a distraction. 
• Play a simple game.
• Quieten the overly talkative by giving them sticky toffees to chew or ask them to help you. 
• Create opportunities for the quieter ones to share their stories. 
• Be kind, thankful and helpful, because these qualities help to lower conflicts. 
• Laugh together! Even crazy Christmas crises can become classic family memories!

where Christmas started

The first Christmas wasn’t without stress. Imagine delivering a baby in a stable in a strange town. Mary and Joseph ate the old bread and dried fruits they brought from home. The stable was decorated with hay and oil lamps and perfumed by the scent of animals. Baby Jesus was dressed in strips of torn linen. And the shepherds turned up without an invitation. But at the heart of all this chaos was the most extravagant gift the world has ever known: God’s only Son. Jesus is a gift designed to bring peace, joy and love to everyone, everywhere. 

So, whatever shape your Christmas takes, how will you share a taste of that original peace, joy and love with those around you?