How to keep your kids out of therapy

I will admit, the title is somewhat facetious. Being in therapy is no bad thing, not only because it provides a living for us counsellors, but also because it has been shown beyond all reasonable doubt, to work. However, this doesn’t mean we parents must provide extra baggage for our kids to work on in therapy. The consequences of living in a chaotic world will provide plenty for them to talk about with their counsellor. 

On February 7, 2012, father Tommy Jordan made a recording which he subsequently posted on Facebook. It was viewed by 42 million people and more than half a million liked it. In the video, the father expresses his outrage at a very disrespectful post his 15-year-old daughter Hannah had posted on Facebook. He reads out her full letter then fires nine bullets into her laptop. He also makes comments about what her punishment will be, including paying for the bullets used and being grounded for years.

There is no doubt that parenting is tricky business. Our teenagers will push us to our limits, will not always appreciate what we have done and will at times be disrespectful. Our kids push our buttons and it will be stressful. 

So, how do we practice emotionally intelligent parenting? How do we remain as non-reactive as possible and how do we build emotional wellbeing in our kids?

Let’s start by defining what emotional health is. Based on psychologist Daniel Goleman’s work, I would like to suggest that it’s perhaps four things; (1) a healthy and realistic view of who we are, (2) being in touch with our emotions, (3) being able to contain emotions when necessary and (4) being in touch and respectful of the emotions of others.¹ The questions we must ask ourselves are: 

• How comfortable am I with emotion? 
• Are there emotions I am more likely to shut down in my children? 
• How well can I contain (not repress) my own emotion and thus model a healthy response to strong emotion? 

Strong emotions are not the problem; it is the acting out of our feelings that is counterproductive and hurtful to others. For example, crying releases chemicals that are part of the endorphin family and actually block pain receptors. So, when you cry and then feel better, you are not kidding yourself. You actually do! 

It has been suggested that there are four basic emotions: fear, anger, sadness and joy.² Fear is the key emotion involved in anxiety. Anger in our children often masks hurt and sadness and if not taken seriously, can lead to depression. When we respond to our children’s anger with anger ourselves, we may miss the hurt that drives their anger. When we tell our children they will be okay and they just need to “stop worrying”, we may be glossing over the fear that has paralysed them.

don’t be like Tommy

So how do you deal with your own anger? Shoot your child’s laptop? You could do that. Of course, what really happened in that video was that there was no parent present—just two angry teenagers. Tommy reduced himself to using shame and revenge to get even with his daughter. That is not emotionally intelligent parenting. In fact, it’s not even parenting. Here are some practical suggestions on how to deal with anger and thus provide a good role model to your children:

• Don’t blame or label your child (You are such a brat! You are hopeless!).
• Don’t use put downs (Are you serious? You can’t be that dumb! If you had brains you’d have . . . ).
• Don’t say anything you can’t (or won’t) follow through with (If you do that again, I’ll rip your head off!).
• Be assertive and clear about what you need from your child (What I need from you is to clean up the things you left in the sink—and I need it done by 5pm today).
• Use “I” statements to talk about your anger (When you didn’t call me when it was past the time we agreed you’d be home by, I felt really disrespected and somewhat angry).

Okay, so much for anger. Let’s talk about another powerful emotion that we’ve already mentioned: fear. There are things we do as parents that can increase fear (and the anxiety that can result from prolonged fear) in our kids. Let me make another list.

• Overprotective or overcautious parenting. The link between this type of parenting and anxiety has been well-established.³ Our kids will not learn resilience if they are not exposed to some risk. They cannot become self-reliant if we always step in and protect them from the consequences of their behaviour. 
• Believing that our job as parents is to keep everybody happy. Here’s the thing: nobody can keep everybody happy. If your children learn that it is okay not to have everybody’s approval or keep everybody happy, they have learned a very valuable lesson.

the best possible scenario

Imagine if your child could say and believe this about themself:

• I am a good person
• I get along well with most people
• I can usually figure things out
• I know that I am God’s special child
• I have a good brain
• I’m really creative
• I like the way I look⁴

Would these beliefs not stem the tide of anxiety enveloping our children and teens? Would this not increase their resilience? The question is, how do we produce these beliefs in our children? 

soft and firm love

The parenting style that has been shown to be most effective is authoritative parenting, in contrast to passive or aggressive parenting. It combines love with limits and combines unconditional acceptance with conditional acceptance of behaviour. The Australian family psychologist Steve Biddulph suggests that two types of love are needed—soft love and firm love. Emotionally intelligent authoritative parenting involves using both types of love. Let me explain. Soft love is that warm, fuzzy, mushy love that some of us parents do naturally and others struggle with. Whether or not we struggle giving that kind of love, is of course related to what was modelled to us in our family of origin; if we were brought up with physical affection and regular affirmation in a family that valued emotional connection and empathy, it will be easier for us to deliver soft love to our kids. What works against us delivering generous servings of self love are our over-programmed lifestyles, constant and invasive media bombardment, our drive to compete and being overworked. Unfortunately, these challenges have no easy fix, there is no “one size fits all” answer and sometimes hard decisions have to be made in order to create space for the tasks of parenting.

So, what are characteristics of firm love? Biddulph suggests that firm love doesn’t hit, blame or harm­—but is firm. It acts early, before control is lost, doesn’t take things personally and uses techniques such as “stand and think” and “dealing”. 

“Stand and think” involves taking your toddler away from temptation and staying in that spot until they agree to “deal”; that is, agree to a change in behaviour. This approach is firm but avoids the use of violence or fear in order to bring about behaviour change. The important thing is that we have to be consistent as our kids are super-smart. They figure out so quickly what they can get away with (and who is most likely to yield first, mum or dad) and use it to their advantage. As kids get older, they can physically take themselves to a place (such as their room) and stay there till they are ready to “deal”. This is not punishment; rather it is giving the child time to think and thus come up with a better course of action. So, why should you not shoot your child’s computer and post it on Facebook? There are many good reasons but let me just suggest a few. 

First, in the interaction 42 million people witnessed, there was no adult present—just two angry teens acting out. Parenting doesn’t work well when the parent leaves the room. In the video, there was both fear and shaming. Shame is central to depression, just as fear is to anxiety. Parents are there to give an example of how to deal with emotions in an appropriate and helpful way.

Second, if our children are to grow up to become responsible and respectful adults (the hope of all parents), responsibility and respect (rather than reactivity) have to be modelled consistently. Children have to be shaped through the use of both soft and firm love. 

Our kids may still end up in therapy as they encounter the many challenges of life that are beyond our control. But, at least they will have strength to draw on, resilience to rely on and emotions they understand in the struggle we call growing up.

Dr Paul Bogacs is an academic who works at Avondale University where he coordinates the counselling training programs. He is married to Gill and they reside at Wangi Wangi on the shores of Lake Macquarie. Between them they have four children, five grandchildren and three adorable and annoying cats.

1. Daniel Goleman: Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Sydney: Bantam Books, 2006,

2. Steve Biddulph with Sharon Biddulph, The complete secrets of Happy Children. Australia: Harper Collins, 2007.

3. V Mark Durand, David Barlow, Stefan G Hofmann, (2019) Essential of Abnormal Psychology (8th ed). Australia: Cengage, 2017.

4. Adapted from Biddulph.