Children have big feelings. Even worse, children have big feelings over what seem to be rather inconsequential things.
Served the wrong colour plate at mealtime? Big feelings.
Can’t go to the playground as planned because it started raining? Big feelings.
LEGO pieces not fitting or staying together like they’re meant to? Big feelings.
The trick to handling our children’s big feelings isn’t to tell them to calm down, even though those are probably the first words out of our mouths. Instead, it’s about welcoming the feelings, listening to them and allowing them to vent . . . all the while staying calm ourselves.
These big feelings your child experiences are called emotional dysregulation. What they need from us when they have a meltdown is to co-regulate with them until their own emotions are regulated again.
“Tantrums and meltdowns are normal. In fact, they are healthy,” says parenting educator Gen Muir. “They are not a choice our children make, but a state of dysregulation that is beyond their control. A child who is melting down is letting us know that they are no longer able to manage the emotional demands of a situation.”
So, what should you do when your child is emotionally dysregulated?
Muir suggests we need to do and try less:
- Less trying to fix
- Less trying to solve
- Less trying to teach
- Less trying to make it end sooner
- Instead, she says we need to simply be:
- Be calm: Keep your own breathing low and deep
- Be confident: Step in to stop them hitting or hurting
- Be present: Stay with them, especially through the worst outbursts
- Be kind: To them and most certainly to yourself.
“I am not going to lie: welcoming feelings with your child can feel terrifying,” says Muir. “But, learning to do this will have you yelling less and feeling much more able to set confident boundaries, and it will help you meet your child’s emotional needs.”
Melody Tan is a passionate advocate for empowering mothers through connection, faith and digital engagement. She is project manager of Mums At The Table. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their primary-school-aged son.
Watch an interview with Gen Muir on why kids have tantrums and download a feelings word list to help children better express their emotions at mumsatthetable.com
