How to make life less difficult for yourself

Have you ever felt a gnawing sensation in your body when life hasn’t turned out like you hoped? Moments turn into days, weeks or maybe even years and you feel like meaningful moments have been far less and fewer. Perhaps in your silent moments, your thoughts swirl endlessly as you doubt yourself, rehash regrets or compare yourself to others. Simply put, you feel stuck, dissatisfied and are losing hope. 

Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy. We might have grand ideals in our mind of what we want our lives to look like but fail to find ourselves inching any closer to those dreams. We might believe that someday we’ll be where we want to be, but we won’t take the actions required to get there. 

As time goes on, we play the victim of our stories. We justify why we’re in the position we’re in—whether it be our parents, our sickness, our health, our lack of friends—whatever it is that is “getting in our way”. We think we’ve been cursed or are trapped in a vicious cycle of bad luck . . . so it seems. But perhaps, we have as much potential and likelihood as everyone else we compare ourselves to, if only we learnt how to stop self-sabotaging. 

what is self-sabotage?

We all knew a kid at school who was pretty smart but would fail tests because they wouldn’t study (maybe we were that kid). We might have set ourselves some dietary resolutions in the New Year, only to completely binge on junk food because we fail so we might as well give up completely.  There are three common types of self-sabotage that you may recognise—procrastination, perfectionism and self-medication. 

Self-sabotaging is an unhealthy state of mind that stems from disbelief in one’s worthiness. Typically, it revolves around fear and the faulty belief that one doesn’t deserve better. The individual may never see it or articulate it that way, but the truth is, if they really believed they had value, they probably wouldn’t have found themselves in this position. 

Self-sabotaging is an unhealthy state of mind that stems from disbelief in one’s worthiness.

Trust me, life, luck, providence or an old man in the sky with a wand hasn’t single-handedly picked on you as someone to make life difficult for. You might be doing it to yourself. Thankfully, self-sabotaging behaviours have been rigorously studied. These studies show that there are strong connections to factors such as childhood trauma, low self-esteem, insecurities and fear. But they also show what we can do to change these thoughts and move towards the life we want for ourselves. 

Self-sabotaging can look different for everyone. For some people, it manifests as perfectionism: wanting everything to be “just right” or at least the way they’re used to. This person rarely tries new things, fears being a failure, and sees anyone flourishing or achieving goals around them as a threat. 

For others it manifests as procrastination: heartfelt dreams lying dormant, putting off things that will help them reach their goals, saying they’ll get around to something when life slows down and they have more time. But typically, life doesn’t slow down, or even if it does, they fill it with other things.  

It also manifests as the “ultra-nice” person who does everything for everyone, never says no, wears 10 different hats, is the shoulder to cry on, the lifeline, the counsellor and the meal-service provider for anyone in need. This person doesn’t take days off because there’s always someone to help. Even if they’re stretched, you can always count on them to be cheerful, optimistic and full of energy (so it seems).

assessing yourself

Sometimes all we need is a little introspection to our lives to help us see things clearer and make the right changes. This might require help from a professional therapist, counsellor or coach. But you can start by asking yourself these questions, and if you’re unhappy with your answer, keep asking why. 

How do you talk to yourself when you make a mistake? When things go wrong in your life, do you do an honest self-evaluation of yourself for areas you need to take responsibility for and grow in? Are you constantly replaying your past mistakes? Are you so afraid to change your ideas and opinions that you are isolated? Do you want to get fit and healthy but find yourself binge-eating, emotionally eating or skimping on your exercise plans? Do you want strong friendships that help you thrive and grow but spend all your spare time with people who drain you? Can you answer when people ask you what your hobbies are? 

Often, we find ourselves in self-sabotaging situations because we believe certain things about ourselves and what we should be doing. If you feel frustrated or down day after day, you don’t need to stay there. Progress is always attainable. Sometimes the solution is just a few questions away. 

the internal reality 

The issues that keep us the most trapped in life are not things that we often think about such as income, employment, time or beauty. Instead, they are usually things like insecurities, anxieties, self doubts and fears. 

Try to look at the imperfections in your life as an opportunity for you to grow and experience more from life.

We transform when we can no longer rely on our coping mechanisms, addictions or distractions to get us through life. Try to look at the imperfections in your life as an opportunity for you to grow and experience more from life. Breaking free from sabotaging cycles will require you to be proactive. It might feel uncomfortable, but with time, you will find yourself feeling more freedom, confidence and joy. Here are five practical steps to take:

1. Mental health support: Trauma, abuse, pain, grief and loss must be processed. You cannot carry around the crushing weight and shame of the past while expecting to create an uplifting life. Find a therapist who can help you identify distorted beliefs, work through trauma and create new thinking pathways. 

2. Positive self-talk: If you pay attention to the voices in your head, you might notice a lot of negative self-talk. Whether you realise it or not, this voice dictates most of our decisions.  Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying the following:
“I’m too (old, fat, young, slow/ugly)”
“I’ll never be ______.”
“I’m not that talented.”
“I can’t . . .”
“I always mess things up.”
“Nobody cares about me.”
“I’ll do it later.”
“I don’t have time for that.”
“Nobody will care if I _______.”
“What’s the point . . .”

The important thing to recognise is that you can unlearn some of those beliefs and harmful thought patterns. To start doing this, get in the habit of noticing when you are speaking negatively towards yourself. The next step is to have a counter-narrative to push back against those thoughts that are coming up telling you you’re not enough; that your work isn’t worthy; that your voice doesn’t matter; that you’ll never be loved. Start speaking to yourself with more grace, as if you were speaking to a friend. 

3. Prioritise your needs: Stop putting on other people’s oxygen masks when yours isn’t on. This might sound selfish, but if you don’t take care of your needs first, you likely won’t be doing a good job at meeting others needs. 

4. Choose your inner circle carefully: Who you allow into your everyday life will greatly impact your mental health. Write down a list of the people you regularly spend time with and ask yourself if you want to become more like them. Do they lift you up or tear you down? Are they making wise choices? Are they trustworthy? This doesn’t mean that we need to completely cut out people who are struggling or who need support. But we should be spending the majority of our time in healthy relationships and we do need to have boundaries with those who are potentially destructive to us.  

5. Stop filling gaps: There are likely a whole lot of people around you with problems and needs, but they’re not your responsibility. When someone is demanding or asking something of you, ask yourself: Is this something I have time for? Am I doing this because I feel like I have to or because I want to? Am I enabling this person to continue making poor decisions? Will this interfere with my personal work or goals? Is this going to create a problem for myself long-term? Is this a pattern? If you still feel okay and confident after answering these questions, go ahead and help the individual. If not, it is okay for you to respectfully decline. 

Being raised in a family where self-sabotage was deeply ingrained, I know firsthand the disastrous effects it can have on one’s mental state and life direction. I watched the people I dearly loved repeatedly choose trauma, abuse and pain, even when wonderful opportunities for a better life were available to them. 

When I first started realising that life could be better, I started to make changes to break free from the vicious cycles of my family’s culture. What I had always known to be “normal” was so far from it. My mind and body desperately wanted to keep doing what was familiar to me as venturing into the unknown made me feel guilty and afraid. The road was long and tiresome and I doubted my decisions at times. But it has been so worth it and I now experience so much more safety and security as a result. 

What I had always known to be “normal” was so far from it.

It is approaching 10 years since I left behind the habits and thinking patterns that kept me stuck. Sometimes my old ways surface and I have to remind myself of what’s true. But my life has never been more whole, healthy and full of joy. In many ways, it feels like my life has only just begun. If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-sabotaging, I’m here to tell you that doesn’t have to be your reality anymore.

There are things you can do to get unstuck. Freedom awaits you, so go get it.  

If you need to talk to someone, you can contact us here. If you need resources on mental health, visit the R U OK website.